Divorce

I was recently talking with a new friend about what I do in grief care, and her first question was, “Do you work a lot with people going through divorce?”

My answer was, “No, not nearly as much as I should.”

A small percentage of my clients are going through, or have gone through divorce, verses those who are dealing with the death of a family member or loved one. Interestingly, those who I work with that are going through a divorce have mostly come to me via word of mouth, from friends and family that know my experience on the matter. For many “grief care” often isn’t associated with divorce-at least not until we have faced it.

We enter marriage with so much hope for our future together. We have dreams and expectations. We hope that it will work out. We hope to receive what we give, in commitment, love, honestly, respect, patience, kindness…and so much more. We hope to be yoked together with someone who wants to grow and who will allow us to do the same. Losing all of this feels like a crushing weight that often leaves one or both people deeply, emotionally injured.

The Misunderstandings of Divorce

Modern culture in general has not often understood divorce for the loss that it is. We seem to have two extreme views portrayed. Commonly, anger without sorrow is portrayed. Much of the media has this collective voice shouting that “marriage isn't very important…” and “that even the smallest thing can be fixed by calling quits.”2 This lacks the gravity of heartache often felt. The other extreme in our culture is to look down on anyone going through a divorce, to say there were always two equally at-fault people. This is simply not true, and it is damaging to perpetuate this idea.

Divorce certainly, on its own, is not a good or bad thing. It is a necessary course for many harmful and irreparable marriages. It should not be taken lightly. Though I counsel my clients to work hard for their marriages when it seems healthy and viable to do so, I have deep compassion for what it means to wade through divorce because it truly was the best solution. I know the need for healing and help through it all is huge-especially when it has come after a long, unsuccessful fight to heal the marriage.

Feeling Alone

I sat in a counseling group session a while back with mostly men and women who had each gone through a divorce, as well as two widows. The widows talked about the immense support they received from neighbors and family members when their spouses died, however the divorcees described the opposite. They had felt isolated. The reality of meeting people who do not understand what they went through, as well as their own fear of judgment, and the invisible hurts they bore all made them feel there was a barrier between them and most of the world. They often stayed quiet, feeling sorrow alone.

Support Through Divorce

One person who faced divorce in that group session mentioned that a neighbor who had lost a small child came to visit her after the process of divorce had just started. The neighbor brought a big warm blanket, and just explained that, although she didn’t know exactly what divorce would be like, she did understand loss.

I love this example so much! That neighbor gave love and compassion in such a difficult time. Any feeling of shame on the matter was not present, as these two women cried together for how hard life could be.

When I look at our Savior’s life, He said He came “to heal the brokenhearted.”1 I believe if He were here today, He would visit those who are dealing with divorce, who feel fear and uncertainty about their future, about their children’s future, who feel broken and alone. And He would “lift up the heads which hang down.”  I hope we do this as well!

Changing Perspectives on Divorce

I hope that we can build a better future, to help reshape our culture’s view of divorce in a healthier way. Not the extremes we often have right now, of either celebrating divorce as the quick and easy solution, pretending it has not lasting consequences—also to never leave those who are going through it feeling alone or like less of a person for having this happen. I hope we can build a world where a deep love and respect for each person thrives, where our hearts see first the hurt another person carries before casting judgement. Because every ounce of love we choose to give heals wounds around us.

I love you all.

Carrie Petersen Mayo